Juhannuspäivä

I remember taking this photo about 6 years ago when I stayed in Finland over the summer. I spent nearly 2 months in Helsinki, staying with my middle school friend Laura. She brought me out to her cottage (if I remembered correctly) somewhere inbetween Imatra and Ruokolahti, near the border of Finland and Russia. We were technically out in the middle of nowhere during this festive season known as Juhannusaatto and Juhannuspäivä - basically a celebration of the longest day in the year whereby the sun practically stays up the entire day. The sun was just starting to set after 11P.M. (That's right, 2300HRS) and I remembered sitting by the bonfire just thinking about everything I've done and everything I want to do with my life from then on.

Although Juhannuspäivä has just passed, I look back and wonder, what have I really done in the past 6 years. Did I accomplish all the things I wanted to do? Did I manage to achieve all that I have set out to achieve? Am I pleased with what I am now? Am I really happy?

I can't quite seem to answer most of these questions, if any of them at all. It's not that I feel that I'm a complete failure but more in the sense that I'm not really sure of where I am at the moment. A few months back, I'm pretty happy with the way things are going. Don't get me wrong, I'm still rather content with everything right now. However, this feeling of awkwardness and sense of being incomplete leaves me rather puzzled. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, and I'm not really sure what will make me happy at this point in time. One thing I do know is that regardless of all that has happened in the last 6 years, be it good or bad, I should learn to be happy when things are going well and for lack of a better phrase, take all the shit that comes my way.

I think I should spend some quality time with myself. I've lost quite a bit over the last few months - material things, friends and people I've liked and loved. The biggest mistake I think however, would be to continue this path I'm on and eventually lose myself. I think it's about time I take a step back, relax, re-think, recover and rediscover what it is I want in life and what it is I want to do for the next 6 years. Maybe then, I will be able to be happy for all that I have and know what I want to keep, what I want to put away on the side and what I want to lose. Maybe then, life will be a bit less bitter, more than contentment and hopefully, I'll be a step closer to that hopeful optimistic "happy" everyone seems to spend an eternity seeking for.